Your hell this is
by RedDesertPhoenix
Summary: A short Revenge Crossover Fic involving Shampoo. Later chapters feature the Evangelion cast. Rated PG13. By far the best written piece I've done.
1. Role Reversal

Hi. This is my first Ramna fanfic, and my first Revenge fanfic. For those who don't know what a revenge fanfic is, well . . . read on. You'll figure it out. I think Skjam did the first one though. Look around for it. It's good.  
  
This fanfic is rated PG. It contains a bit of nudity, but not much. I don't own Ramna ½, or any of the characters within.  
  
This is a very short piece, and is (supposed to be) funny. And it only took 2 days/writing sessions to write! Considering everything else I've done has taken months (And some times years) that's some achievement. Of course, it's only 3 pages . . . including this bit . . . and it's probably full of things I can fix . . . but it's only a piece of fun, so it doesn't really matter.  
  
I don't really think I'll write any more chapters, but if enough people ask me, I'll do some. Comedy seems easier to write than Angsty/character pieces.  
  
Anyway, read on. And C&C are welcome. As always.  
  
'Your hell this is'  
  
Ryan sat at his computer, typing up another paragraph for his Eva Fanfic. There. That should do it. He said, and hit the save button. Just 3 more sessions, and it'll be finished.  
  
He checked the time. 2.15 AM. Not again. And I got work at 8 in the morning. He sighed, turned off his computer, and was about to get ready for bed when he heard what sounded like a strong wind from behind him. He turned around. There was what could only be a portal in front of his computer. Spinning round and round, fast enough to make him sick. All the colors of the rainbow were there. Swirling round and round and. You all know what a portal looks like, I don't really think I need to describe it any further than that.  
  
Riight. Either I'm in one of those revenge fic things, or I'm dreaming.  
  
Through the portal stepped Shampoo. She seemed really pissed.  
  
"You Ryan? You write Fanfics?"  
  
Ryan nodded, bemused. The next thing he knew he was laying on his floor, a lump on his chin. Shampoo stood over him with a bonbori in her hands. Angry didn't even begin to describe her mood.  
  
"You bad man." She held out several sheets of computer paper covered in text. "You worse then pervert girl" Ryan looked up. "Huh?" Shampoo spat on him. "You write bad things about me. You say me and Spatula girl.do. things." She shuddered. Ryan was confused. "But I've never written any fanfics in the Ranma universe" Shampoo glared, and showed the title to him. Ryan read the wavering text slowly.  
  
SHAMPOO AND UCHAN By Ryan S Marshall Warning . . . This story is a lemon. This story contains gratuitous . . . . . . . .  
  
Ryan looked up. "But I'm not the person who wrote that. I've never even . . ." WHAM Shampoo slammed him into the ground with her bonbori, and spat on the now unconscious man. She then pulled out certain special herbs from . . . wherever . . ., sprinkled them over Ryans prone form, and started chanting . . .  
  
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Ryan floated slowly in a black void. He could hear nothing, see nothing, feel nothing. Strangely, it didn't seem to bother him. As he floated, he noticed the void begin to take shape, and lighten. Brown above him, off- white around. And he felt gravity return. He realized he was on his back. Laying on something. Something soft. A bed. Then he started hearing things. Softly at first, barely echo's. It seemed to be . . . chanting. In some foreign language. And as the chanting continued, the room grew more solid around him. He could now make out the wooden floor, the plaster walls, and the patched roof. The bed benief him seemed more and more solid. The chanting grew louder, then stopped. Ryan looked around. The room was now completely solid. He could hear the crickets outside, feel the humid air . . . it was all completely real to him. Then suddenly, right next to his ear, he heard . . . "You bad man. You, I punish. Your hell this is." Shampoo's voice. And with it, all memory of what had happened came back. Ryan sat up, startled. And immediately noticed there was something wrong with his body. His body felt different. He hadn't noticed it when he was just lying there, but as soon as he moved, he realized his whole body felt . . . wrong. Lighter, for one thing. And smaller. Much smaller. He looked down over his body. And if he wasn't already in a state of shock, what he saw would have sent him into one. He saw first his legs . . . Only they couldn't be his legs. His legs were long and hairy. The legs he were looking at were short, and without any hair on them at all. Tiny legs. Almost . . . feminine. Something clicked, and he quickly moved his hands to his chest. Yep. Definitely feminine legs. And the rest of him to go with it. His mind had now almost completely frozen now. Only another part of him didn't even notice. Another part that had never been aware of before accepted this as completely normal, recognized his new surroundings, and was completely used to his (her?) new body.  
  
While he lay there, trying to work out what the hell was going on, a wizened old head appeared around the corner. "Wake up Shampoo, you have delivery's to make". Ryan just looked at the old crone. Shampoo? What was the crone talking about? But the other part of him (her) responded. The same part of his mind which seemed completely at home with his new body responded with a Chinese accent "Ok Grandmother, I change first. Then I deliver.  
  
Ryan let the new part of his mind take charge, walking with determination to the shower room, undressing and bathing herself in the Japanese style bath. Strangely, the sight of what Ryan realized was now Shampoo washing herself didn't do anything for Ryan. He watched in clinical detachment as Shampoo washed all parts of herself, and got dressed again. What's wrong with me? I should have at least had some response.  
  
Ryan let the part of his mind he assumed was Shampoo do whatever it wanted while he slowly pieced together what was happening. While Shampoo cooked up some ramen and ate her breakfast, Ryan went over all he could remember. In particular, the parting words Shampoo had given him. Your hell this is? He looked down. Doesn't seem to bad so far. Even if I can't seem to appreciate it. Guess it's something I lost from the crossover. Shampoo washed her dishes, and carried the delivery out to her bike. Shampoo looked down at herself, and smoothed out her dress. Ryan all of a sudden felt pride in his appearance. Something he had never previously cared less about. He knew he looked really cute, and it made him feel really good. And that REALLY disturbed him. Oh god . . . Guess I got all Shampoo's emotional responses. I just hope I can control them . . . Shampoo took off on the delivery. Ryan knew she was making a detour - going via Ramna's and Pervert-Girls route to school. AkaNe. Her name is Akane. Thought Ryan desperately. He had a sudden flash of anger just thinking of her. "I kill" she muttered under her breath. Geez.. I'm more tied up in her then I thought. Just as he finished thinking he spied the two of them ahead of him. His betrothed was walking with his arm around Pervert girl, who was no doubt seducing him. Shampoo rushed up to hug him as her feelings of love for Ramna overwhelmed her. "Airen . . . " Ryan could feel Shampoo's love as though it was his own. He wanted to hug Ranma and kiss Ramna and . . .  
  
Ramna turned, face paling rapidly, expecting to see Shampoo rushing forward into a glomp. What he didn't expect to see, was the same Chinese Amazon just mentioned bending over the gutter, and being violently sick.  
  
END 


	2. Step back to reality

AUTHORS NOTES: This was only going to be a small, one off story, but I got a really nice review from someone who suggested I continue it. So I thought about how I could continue it, and . . . Well, I hope you like the result.  
  
DISCLAIMER: This is the disclaimer thing. I forgot to put it in chapter one. I do not own any of these characters (Cept for me) and I don't own anything else in the story either. So don't sue me.  
  
Your hell this is  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Ryan heaved into the gutter, the ramen he had eaten for breakfast splattering against the side in a chunky brown waterfall. He heaved again, and another waterfall issued forth. Leaning against the fence, he slowly stood up, face pale. He could see Ramna looking at him with concern, and Akane looking at Ramna with ill concealed suspicion. The strange feelings which had plagued him since his arrival had vanished when he had started vomiting, but at the sight of Ramna, something twitched inside him, slowly stirring back to life. Ryan tried to ignore it, and succeeded in blocking it out. For now. He looked at Ranma again, and saw he was standing at his side, Akane beside him, who was looking at Ryan with distrust.  
  
With both of them so close, The feelings he thought he had subdued burst back to life. Shampoo's hatred of Akane, and Shampoo's love for Ranma. Looking down quickly, Ryan tried to gain control of Shampoo's emotions. Somehow, he managed. Until Ramna spoke that is. "You ok?"  
  
Two words. But all it took for Ryan to lose control completely, and once more be ruled completely by his hosts emotions. Shampoo/Ryan made a miraculous recovery, and leapt into the arms of her love, who was so concerned for her safety.  
  
"I'm Ok now" She/He purred, smiling seductively. Meanwhile, somewhere in the back of her mind, the small piece of Ryan that was able to think clearly tried frantically to regain control. Shampoo/Ryan reached forward into a tight hug with Ramna, loving the way his muscles pushed into her. Suddenly he felt something crash into his skull, and he faded gratefully into blackness.  
  
Ryan woke some time later. His head throbbed painfully, and he could feel a large bruise forming. He was on a bed in a sterile white room. He could hear arguing in the background. Akane and Ranma. Standing over him stood what had to be Dr Tofu. Dr Tofu noticed Shampoo looking at him, and motioned to the other two. "She's woken up. She should be ok now." Akane and Ramna stopped bickering, and came to her side.  
  
Through the pounding headache, Ryan spoke. "My Head hurts" he said slowly. "What happened to me?" Ramna looked at Akane, and Akane looked embarrassed. Ryan was still a little groggy, and the pain made it hard to think. "What happened? Did someone hit me?" He looked at Akane, who was now studying the floor. "Oh".  
  
Dr Tofu looked at Akane. "You really must learn to control your temper Akane. You could seriously hurt someone." Akane mumbled something in reply.  
  
Ryan waved it away. "Don't worry about it" he said slowly. "I guess I sort of deserved it" Everyone turned to look at him now. "Shampoo. since when have you been able to speak fluent Japanese?" Ryan looked at Ramna through a haze of pain. "Shampoo?" he looked down at himself. "Oh. This. This isn't. me. I'm Ryan. And what do you mean Japanese? This is English."  
  
He would have said more, but the blackness which had been threatening his vision came up to claim him, and he surrendered himself to oblivion once more.  
  
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Ryan slowly came back to consciousness. The first think he noticed was someone seemed to be pounding his head every few seconds with a mallet. He groaned, and weakly raised his arm, trying to ward off the blows. The effort of moving bought Ryan closer to awareness. He realized there was no mallet, all he had was a pounding headache. He realized he was laying on his back in front of his computer, and he realized he was back in his own body again. He stopped holding his arm up, and it fell back beside him.  
  
Gee . . . I got to lay off the Pepsi. Guess one litre per hour is too much Ryan thought, and groaned again.  
  
There was a slight noise, and Ryan came to another realization. He wasn't alone in his room. He looked up woozily, and could make out the figure of a rather cute, short Chinese chick. A cute, short Chinese chick with long, dark blue hair and big . . . big . . . really big . . . What were they called again? The pounding of his head made it hard to think. Oh yeah . . . Bonbori. Ryan groaned, and raised his hands to his head as his headache suddenly got a lot worse. Suddenly Shampoo lunged at him, hands outstretched. Ryan could only look on as she poked several points at the base of his neck and on his hands. After a few seconds, his headache faded into nothingness. Ryan looked up warily.  
  
"Thanks. I guess."  
  
Shampoo seemed to be nervous about something. "Shampoo wrong" Ryan looked at her in surprise. "You not bad at me." Shampoo struggled with her wording. "You not bad . . . to me. In fanfic." Shampoo corrected. "I owe apology" Shampoo said quietly. "You not wrong me. Not my place to punish. Ryan smiled. "It's ok, don't worry about it" he said, trying to put her at ease. Shampoo continued speaking. "You not wrong me. You wrong them" she said, pointing behind Ryan. "Their place to punish" Ryan's smile froze. He turned to look in the direction Shampoo had pointed, smile still etched onto his face. Sure enough, there were three more figures standing in his room.  
  
All three were young teenagers. The girl in the front kept smirking at him and flicking her long red hair back over her shoulders. The boy behind her kept looking at her nervously, and occasionally glancing around the room. The girl next to him just stared at Ryan coldly, her red eyes glaring at him. Ryan's eyes drifted back to the girl at the front, and Ryan gulped as she stepped forward and spoke. "So you think your some great writer, huh?" She looked at him with disdain written all over her features. "You think if you write some fanfiction with all the characters getting all soppy and upset over each other, people will like it. Did you ever stop and think of what you were putting the characters though? Did you ever once consider their feelings?" Ryan absently noticed the girls German accent grew stronger as she grew more angry. "Um. actually, no" he said, replying. "Characters aren't real" he said, finally getting up off the floor. "So I never much took their feelings into considering when writing." The angry redhead finally lost it at this, surged forward, and gave him a mighty slap. One with all her strength behind it. This might have had some effect if the redhead in question actually had any strength to speak of. Or had some martial arts training. Or did weights. As it is, Ryan blocked her slap, then grabbed her wrist as she tried to slap him again. While this did stop the girl from slapping him, he had forgotten something . . .  
  
CRUNCH.  
  
Ryan collapsed back on the ground, hands covering his gonads, groaning in pain. The girl smirked at him. "Still think I don't exist?" she taunted.  
MORE AUTHORS NOTES: This chapter was also done in only two sessions. The first is the bit up to where Ryan loses consciousness for the second time in Dr Tofu's clinic, and the rest was written about two weeks later, tonight. I was originally going to do a whole series in the Ranma universe, but the way the story was going was seriously disturbing. So I gave the story up until today, where I came up with a new direction to take it.  
  
By the way, the bit with the Pepsi is true. Drinking too much of that stuff is seriously bad for your health.  
  
And does anyone Not recognize the 3 new characters? 


	3. Instrumentality

YOUR HELL IS THIS

CHAPTER 4:

Ryan groaned on the floor, Asuka standing over him with a triumphant expression on her face. Absently, he notice Shampoo was still standing in the corner, apparently taking notes. At her feet lay an unconscious boy dressed in old jeans and a cotton shirt.

Ryan slowly looked him over, trying to distract himself from the pain.

No large eye's. Hair combed neatly. Modern clothes. No weapons of destruction hanging from the boys belt. Nothing remarkable at all, save the bruise on the front of his head.

Real kid then.

"If I don't exist, then I couldn't have done that" Asuka said smugly, bringing his attention back to her.

Shinji nervously looked at her again. "Um . . . Was that really necessary?"

The girl glared at him. "Of course it is, idiot. He's saying we don't exist. I had to prove him wrong, didn't I?"

Ryan slowly got up, whimpering softly.  
"But . . . But you can't exist.

"Alternate universes" Asuka said, smirking.

Ryan sighed, and sat down gingerly.

"You fight in two hundred meter tall robots for gods sakes. That's just not possible.

Not to mention that you would only be about three years old."

Asuka scowled, lost for answers.

At this, Rei stepped forward. "It is time."

Asuka glared at Rei. "Yes." She pulled her face close to Ryan, turning her glare towards him. "Time you got what's coming to you"

Ryan stared back, somewhat unimpressed by the fourteen year old girls attempt to intimidate him.

And then the floor disappeared. One moment they were all standing on carpet, the next they were standing on... blackness. No texture, no color, just... blackness. Asuka looked down and groaned. Ryan just sat their as the dial on his weirdness meter climbed a few notches, and Shampoo 'Eeped', before hurriedly creating a portal and dragging the unconscious boy through.

"It has begun" Rei said, turning everyone's attention back to her.

Rei on the other hand, spoke solely to Ryan.

"This is the place where there are no restraints. This is the place where anything you want can happen. Here, the only limits imposed are by yourself

Ryan looked at her. "I have watched episodes 25 and 26 you know."

Rei ignored him. Around them, the remaining walls and ceilings faded into blackness. Now nothing remained but blackness in all directions. Ryan looked at it critically, then concentrated for a second.

The blackness changed to white. "Better" he said.

Rei spoke. "You begin to understand, but you do not." Ryan snorted.

Asuka appeared behind him. "This is not the world you know. This is not the world you think it is. Ryan remained unimpressed. "Right. I know all this. I watched the last two episodes so many times it's not funny. I understand it all."

Rei just stared at him.

Ryan looked back. "What?"

Rei faded out of site, disappearing into the same blackness which surrounded Ryan.

"YOU REALLY UNDERSTAND?" Ryan looked around. "It's true. I do understand it."

"REALLY?" The voice seemed to come from everywhere.

Ryan looked sideways. "Well... most of it."

"REALLY?"

Ryan looked exasperated. "Ok. So I don't understand ANY of it. Does it matter?"

Two figures appeared in front of him. Kaji and Shinji. Their lying on futons on a small patch of floor which has appeared beneath them. It's as though their in their own little bubble of reality. Rei appears besides him, observing the scene. The two on the futon seemed to be talking. Rei gestures, and their words start to come through. "...Been asking around about your father?"

"I just... havn't been around him much"

"So – You really don't know him."

"But I've learned a lot about him lately. I've learned how he feels about his work. About my mother..."

"No your wrong Shinji. You only believe that you've learned. But people can't really understand themselves much less each other. Understanding one hundred percent of anything is impossible. That's why we spend so much time trying to understand our own motivations and those of others. That's what makes life so... interesting"

There small bubble of existence faded, and another came into view. A larger bubble this time. A hospital room, and a corridor. Only one person in the room, a middle aged woman dressed in a sterile hospital gown, and rocking a doll back and forth, in her arms. And a young girl looks at her with a stony expression from the hospital corridor. Behind her are a man and a woman talking. They don't seem to be aware the child is there.

Once more, what their saying becomes audible.

"... Feel your grief"  
"It's like... looking at porcelain figures of a mother and her child. Perhaps there isn't much difference between humans and dolls."

"Mankind creates dolls in our own image. If god exists, perhaps we're all just a bunch of dolls to him."

"Hearing you say something like that makes it hard for me to believe that you're a modern physician"

"I may be a doctor, but I'm a human being, and a woman first." The voices faded, and with it, the scene.

"This is the image of me which resides on the inside of your mind, Ryan" Shinji said.

Ryan smirked. He knew this one.

"Yet at the same time this is the me which exists in your mind, isn't it Shinji?" he asked.

"No." Asuka stated, standing behind him.

"You are also a image which resides on the inside of your mind." She said, leaving Ryan just a little confused. No one was following the script.

A thought occurred to him. "What's with all this crap anyway?" He turned to Asuka, to find she and Shinji had disappeared, so he asked Rei instead. "Is this my 'punishment' or something? You put me through instrumentality?

"This is not instrumentality."

Ryan looked around. "Sure looks like it to me. Disappearing people... Check. Disappearing surroundings... check. All-powerful voices? Check. This Has to be instrumentality.

"Incorrect"

Ryan turned around, already knowing who it would be. Sure enough, Gendo sat behind him, head resting on his arms, shades making it impossible to see his eye's.

"This is not instrumentality. This is a world created by you. You wished for a world where you could co-exist with characters from an Anime. This world is a result of that wish. All you see here is what you wished for. Me. This room. Even you. All these things are as you wished them to be. You chose this fate."

Ryan stared at him. "Riiiiiight." Once didn't quite seem enough, so he said it again. "Riiiiiight." He sat down. "This is all starting to make sense." He looked up. "None of this is real, is it?" But Gendo was gone. In his place sat someone else, in much the same pose. He could have been Gendo's bigger brother. A much bigger man, heavily built, wearing all black, and sitting in a faded red armchair.

"You are right. We do not and cannot exist. Our existence is a lie, our universe a sham, designed to pull peaple away from the reality that is." As he spoke, a old TV set appeared in front of him.

Ryan sweatdropped.

"And why? Why are people's interest being drawn away into worlds which cannot exist?

To make the creators of these worlds a whole lot of these" Morpheus said, waving a wad of hundred dollar notes. I didn't believe it. Not until I saw... Morpheus stared at the eight year old blue haired girl which had just appeared in front of him.

Chibi Rei turned to face Morpheus, and spoke. "Really?" it spoke in a neurotic voice. "Isn't it peace of mind..." it looked confused. Morpheus silently pointed at Ryan. "Sorry, sorry." It turned to face Ryan, and thought for a few seconds. Finally, it looked up, huge soulful eyes staring at him. "Don't you want to be with your father?" It said, wide eyed. Ryan just looked at her, confusion spread across his face. Chibi Rei looked around frantically. "Uh.... hang on a sec." She vanished as quickly as she had come.

Morpheus paused to gather his thoughts, then continued.

"None of this is real in the true sense of the word. This world. Me. You. It's all little more than a construct in someone's mind. Someones dream.

Ryan paled further. "You mean I'm not real?"

Chibi Rei appeared, facing Morpheus. "No more...."

She sighed, and turned to face Ryan. "No more real than I am."

Ryan thought about this for a few seconds. "So... if I'm not real... I can be whatever I want to be, right?"

"No. You cannot. You can only be what the author has made you. The author has no restrictions. But you as a character, do. Your restrictions are whatever the author has written them to be.

Ryan thought about this for a few seconds. "I see."

"But if none of us are real, does anything we do really matter? If all we are is figments of someone's imagination?"

Morpheus was gone, and Kaji in his place. "No. This world is as real to us as the world which created us. Here, we are real. Here, we do exist. Everything that happens here is real. But it's only real here. In the world which created us, this entire world is nothing more than entertainment."

Ryan thought about this. "I see. So even though we're all just the construct of someone's imagination, we still exist."

Someone smacked him against the back of the head.

"Has it taken you this long to figure that out?" Asuka, the room of black, and all the other characters faded.

**To Be Continued?**


End file.
